Monday, September 27, 2010

Grumble Grumble (But With Lists!)

Grumble grumble grumble.  39 weeks and no progress.  I have an appointment tomorrow, so this is just me being my grumbly little (or not so little) self, because who knows, I could go into labor tomorrow and be eating jello and mystery meat at the hospital before you know it.

But as of right now, I feel like she's going to be in there forever.  Like that kid with the big glasses from The Sandlot said it.  "Forever. And ever. And ever."

So what do we do while we're waiting for the inevitable to occur?  Why, the same thing we did while waiting for the bar exam to be over:  We Make Lists!

Typically, I find myself making a list of "Things I Will Do Once [Insert Much Anticipated/Dreaded Event] Is Finally Over With."  For the bar exam(s), I wanted to do anything but read and study.  So my list of "Things I Will Do After The Bar Exam" was full of things like knitting log cabin blankets (We will not ask if this project is finished yet.  We just won't.), and homemade cookies and long dawdling strolls around Old Town Alexandria.  And really anything that didn't require me to read words from a page.

So for this go round, do I have a list of "Things I Will Do Once This Baby Is Born (So Hurry Up Already, Baby)"?

Why yes, yes I do.

Things I Will Do When The Baby Is Born And I'm Blissfully Not Pregnant Anymore:

(1) Put on socks like a normal human being, instead of like a contortionist at the circus.  Same for underwear, tights, pants, and anything that requires me to balance on one leg to put on.

(2) Run!  Jump!  Do Something Other Than Waddle!  Seriously though, I really miss running a whole lot.  There's a great running trail along my commute, and I keep seeing runners every evening on my drive home.  It was bad enough in the summer when they were out there flying down the road in their shorts and sports bras, but now that they've broken out the official "Fall Running Gear" (which is primarily made of black boot-cut spandex), I am so jealous, I can't see straight.  I realize I'm not going to hit the trails on day one, post-partum, but I know there will come a day when I can lace up my running shoes and get back out there.  And I seriously can't wait.

(3) Speaking of shoes, I would like to be able to wear my heels again.  I bought some Aerosoles black patent leather flats for my "work shoes" to wear whilst pregnant.  And once I have this baby and my feet return to their (somewhat) normal size, I am going to burn those shoes in effigy.  (Plus, my stinky bare feet have resided in them all summer.  It may take a hazmat crew to get rid of the remains.)

(4) Read a magazine on the couch without holding it up in the air.  This is one I never really considered until I had a huge belly and sat down on the couch one night to browse a magazine.  Turns out, if you put the magazine in your lap, you can't see the bottom half of the page because it is BLOCKED BY YOUR ENORMOUSNESS.  And if you put the magazine far down enough on your legs to be able to read the bottom of the page, the magazine is too far away to read.  Solution?  You either balance the magazine on your belly or you hold it up in the air until your arms get tired.  Even now as I type this, I can't see the whole mousepad on my computer.  Its like a belly eclipse.

(5) Yoga.  Yeah, yeah, I know they have pregnancy yoga videos and all that.  Blah.  I've seen them.  Ladies with big bellies, sitting in chairs, leaning from side to side and doing breathing exercises.  Boo.  I miss real yoga.  I miss getting into enough of a habit of doing my yoga video that I could really feel myself getting more limber.  I miss being able to touch my toes.  (Heck, I miss being able to see my toes, for that matter.)  I miss having balance and feeling poised and being able to stand on one leg without feeling like the hippo from Fantasia.

(6) Taking Pictures Of Something Cuter Than My Huge Gut.  Yes, I know everyone loves a good belly picture, and I'm no exception.  But how can it possibly compare to the cuteness of an actual newborn?  (And really, how many pictures of my ever-expanding belly can the world really handle?  I think I've tortured you people enough already.  It will soon be time to redeem myself with pictures of newborn baby cheeks.)  Plus, you can't really put cute hairbows on my girth.  It would just look.... odd.

So that's what you get this week instead of pictures.  Because the camera is in the hospital bag, and the hospital bag is in Steven's car.  And so is the car seat.  And the room is all ready and there's nothing left to wash and the people at work are starting to beg me to stay home so they don't have to follow me around with a precautionary mop crew.

And if I have to sit here and mull over my vast and varied false labor symptoms much longer, I feel a mean streak of online shopping coming on.... A girl can only take so much waiting, you know.


Kristin and Adam Salvia said...

all i can say is i totally feel your pain... i was so there! i solved it with a lot of pedicures and massages :-)

Jo said...

Line of the year--scratch that--the century: "Its like a belly eclipse."
I know you are probably sick of hearing this, but it really will be over soon, and you really will have feet again instead of freakish looking water balloons with toes. However, in place of your massive gut, you will have a slightly less massive, but still identifiable, gut...possibly complete with stretch marks. But really, I'm not bitter. END RANT.
Seriously though, hang in there. Holding Sophie for the first time with also double as a mind-eraser, as in, you will almost instantly forget how sucky pregnancy was, and instead, only focus on how wonderful she is. Can't wait to hear about your experience!