Saturday, May 2, 2009

In Which I Learn How To Use The Television

Last weekend, I woke up early on Saturday morning while Steven was still asleep. It was gorgeous out, and I sat on the porch and polished off a piping hot cup of coffee and flipped through the newspaper.

Ahh. What a morning. What else should I do before Steven gets up and we're busy with errands? I thought about going for a run, but I was kinda sore from running earlier.

And then it hit me. Ooh! Yoga DVD!

And then it also hit me. I don't know how to turn on our television. (And I certainly don't know how to make it play a DVD.)

You would think it wouldn't be difficult. Its just a television, right? And it sounds awfully embarrassing to admit that I can't operate such a simple thing.

Well, you just wait till I show you what it entails:


Step one. Line up all of the required remote-controlling-paraphernalia. (And the DVD, just as a reminder of the ultimate goal.)


Step two. Okay. Um. One of these has to turn the stupid thing on, right? I pushed the "power" button on all of them, and three in from the left, we have liftoff. The TV flashes to life, but the screen is dark.

Step three. Figure out how to make it show the actual live TV picture. As I fumbled with the remotes, the TV gurgled again and a picture blinked on. I don't think I actually pressed any buttons to make that happen. I think it was just . . . thinking.

Step four. We have picture, but no sound. A different remote controls the speakers. Process of elimination in full gear, I pressed the power button on two of the remaining remotes. Nothing happened. On a hunch, I squinted at the speaker system in the TV hutch. It said Sony. I pressed a few buttons on the Sony remote again. We have sound!

After wrestling the Playstation out of the cabinet to finally discover the on-off switch located firmly at the BACK of the stupid thing, I shoved the whole system back into the cabinet and put in the DVD. The Playstation slurped up the disc hungrily, and I happily moved the remotes out of the way and got ready for my relaxing yoga session. (Keep in mind I've already invested nearly 20 minutes in getting this far.)

But no. There is no playing of the DVD, there is only Saturday morning infomercials.

What the heck?

A dim glimmer in the back of my brain says the word "input." Back when we had the old TV (and one remote, I might add), I remember having to change the input from TV to video. I pick up all the remotes again, and carefully pick up each one and press the "input" button.

And on the third remote, I was blessed with this:


Oh dear God. What in tarnation is this? The TV was playing away, but the selection was on Video 6. And this is the part where I started to get angry.

Why is our TV rigged up in such a bizarre manner? Why do I have to perform detailed calculations of quantum physics involving four remote controls, one of which is a Playstation controller? WHY CAN'T I JUST PUT IN A DVD AND PRESS PLAY?!?

The idea of a relaxing morning yoga session was quickly fading as the steam spewed from my ears and nostrils. I sat down sharply on the floor and snatched up the remote again. This thing is not going to get me. I clicked through each option until I finally got to Video 7, which is, in fact, the input channel for our Playstation, which also plays our DVDs. (Please do not ask me about how I selected the "Play" option using the gaming controller. It is either the X or O button. I cannot discuss it without fuming again.)

One solid hour later, I finally vanquished the TV. Steven came wandering downstairs about halfway through the yoga set, and he yawns and says, "Oh, so you got the TV working? I thought you didn't know how?"

I glared at him as I balanced on the mat. "This TV is ridiculous, you know that? Its crazy and there are so many remotes, and . . . and . . . I don't want to talk about it. I am trying to be zen right now, okay?"

He shrugged and padded into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal.

Namaste, indeed.


Steven said...

HD Television + Playstation 3 + HD Sony Speaker System = Lots of options. And yes. Lots of remotes.

Love it.


Becky said...

You are hilarious. I love how nothing gets you down. I think I would have just stuck the thing in the computer/laptop and watched it very small:)

Mom said...

We put a dvd into the XBox to watch a Brooklyn Tabernacle movie and used the game controller to select "concert" or "Interviews". When Chris goes off to college, we can't watch videos. ha ha

How on earth does one know which buttons, or knobs (A,B,start...) control fast forward, or go back, next, etc.....Crazy.